#realtalk !!!

Instagram has me feeling all types of ways.. literally. And by this I mean I can look at a picture and be like “aww your child is so cute” then from there I can feel one million different emotions. I know im not the only one too… (I hope im not) From liking someone elses picture and looking though there page you can go from awwww to AHHHHHH, and then pretty much just start picking apart your whole entire existence.

Firstly, every single person is a……… (wait for it)…..PERSON. A human being just like you. There’s no bionic women, no mum that has magical powers and there is definitely, absolutely no such thing as perfect.

This handsome little babe is my youngest son. He turns 2 this month and he is absolutely unreal! He has beautiful curly hair and big brown eyes. He’s so incredibly cute and sensitive. He’s also very loving. He gets on so well with his brothers and he literally wakes up with the biggest smile on his face. His speech is great for his age (probably because he has brothers) so we can have great little chats. He lights up my life in too many ways to count!!! He really is amazing. 

This is also my youngest son. In this non insta friendly, non edited and non filtered picture he is legit dragging his big brother back. He is doing this for the simple reason that he wants what his brother has. Was this a one off?? NO! My son is almost two and he has been going through the terrible two’s stage for a while but it kicked in with extreme force very recently. He wants what he wants when he wants it and he is not afraid to let you know! He screams at me at the moment. That’s something he has recently learnt. His favourite words are no and mine! Also things to note in this picture is the background mess. I am very ocd so my home is always clean and tidy but this was bedtime, with 4 children under 5 who have selective hearing as well as an inability to move when I call them. The high chair, baby swing and car seat can all be seen in this picture as well as bedtime mess. I would also like to point out that my sons hair is a mess and he’s wearing odd pajamas!

So if you wonder if the people that post the insta perfect pictures that you see daily, ever have days where they are a “hot mess” I can guarantee they do! I can also guarentee they will have them ALOT. That’s life. We all live it. Some peoples lives may look prettier than others but the struggle is most definitely real for all of us!!!

♡

Can I tell you something?

Motherhood is hard from the start. It’s almost like you are slapped in the face with it straight away. You find out you are pregnant then BOOM heres 6 weeks of constant “morning” sickness (that lasts ALL DAY), not being able to eat, sleep or even drink water without becoming completely overwhelmed by the sudden need to get to the bathroom. A common theme for me with all four of my pregnancies was extreme nausea as well as a HUGE inability to sit in a car. My head would legit spin and I would have to hang out of the window, pretty much. I also remember always having a cold for what felt like months of my pregnancies. I was told while you are pregnant there is nothing you can take so you just have to tough to out. Like you’re not dealing with enough already?!! Then there’s the heartburn. I really have an extraordinarily large hatred for heartburn. I don’t know if it’s just me but I can never get rid of it. Is it not the most annoying thing to experience?! Of course theres also the anticipation at each scan, doctors appointment or hospital visits. The feelings that you get in your pregnancy are feelings that you probably have had before. Theres this new fear that accompanies the anticipation. You are growing a tiny human…. an actual person!!!! You go from being responsible for no one but yourself, to then having this beautiful baby that you created that will be relying on you to meet every single need he or she will have. Sometimes it will be obvious what your baby wants and sometimes you may take hours trying to work it out.
Before you take that test you are you. As soon as you know you are pregnant you are a mum before anything else.  This was how I looked at it in my first pregnancy. Everything changes and you have to reassess most of your lifestyle choices. Somethings you need to cut out altogether and then there are those that you just need to adjust to make sure your baby is safe. Theres so much pressure that comes with having a baby. Some of that comes from others, some comes along with the new life you made and then there’s that big, fat, heavy load of it that we, as mothers, put on ourselves. That starts when you are pregnant and will probably never go away.
All of those things that I just mentioned, (there was a lot more that I thought..!!!), had me thinking about the impact becoming a mum can have on us women mentally. Some women may cope with the change perfectly fine, and some may struggle but then there are the time where it becomes too hard to handle on your own.

When I have my 3rd son I felt completely fine. I had struggled with fluctuating moods my whole life and had experienced some really low times but I was so happy. I had three handsome boys and I felt like I was doing great. I didn’t feel attached to my baby in an overwhelming way while I was pregnant but this didnt concern me too much as I had 2 children already and as soon as they were born I was instantly connected.

A few months after my son was born I was really struggling. I was isolated, lonely and I was really struggling to function in the way that I needed to for my kids. The best word for me to explain how I felt was SAD. I just felt sad. I woke up sad, I went to sleep sad… I just couldnt shake the feeling of complete sadness. I felt hopeless. I hated myself. I was scared. It got to much. At this point I had to get help before it was too late. I spoke with the doctor and I ended up going to hospital.
I was devastated that I was away from my kids but because my baby was 5 months old he was able to come with me and I was admitted to a mother and baby unit. I felt completely selfish and ashamed of myself. My innocent baby was taken away from all he knew and stuck in this space with just me.

I spent 5 months in the hospital with my baby. I saw some women come and go and I also saw some that would take a little longer to recover. It was really hard because what I was experiencing felt like nothing compared to what they were going through. I had witnessed some really sad things and I also spoke with some amazing women.

I feel like postnatal depression can affect people in so many different ways. I felt quite lucky because, although I tried to hard to fight it so that I didn’t affect my children, I did get depressed postnatally but I got help. I am a COMPLETELY different person to the person I was then. I have had a beautiful little baby girl since and all my children are happy. My children don’t remember the time mummy went away and im so glad it didnt have a huge impact on them. It really is the hardest thing to talk about and I personally didnt tell anyone but my mum when I was unwell.

I do really feel that if I didn’t go away with my son I wouldn’t be where I am now and I am so proud of that! That experience doesn’t define me and I am really not ashamed to say that it was MY experience!

♡

fashion babes..

The importance of fashion in people’s lives has become HUGE in my opinion. It probably always has been but with the growth of social media, all the instabloggers, models, #ootd’s and online stores… dedicating time to just choosing outfits has become so important. There are so many amazing online stores and small boutique instagram pages as well as “do it yourself” tutorials on youtube, that you can literally steal any style or create your own twist on a trend. Back in the day it felt like you were either cool or not when it came to fashion, there wasn’t really any inbetween. You pretty much wore what was acceptable to your parents then as you got older you could start really experimenting.. which usually ended in disaster even if it didn’t feel like it at the time. I can pretty much guarantee that all us 20somethings would be completely cringing through our hand covered eyes looking over pictures of ourselves when we were teens!!

Fashion means so many different things so here’s my take on my go to “mummy style”.

*MUST HAVES*
Skinny jeans
Hoodies
Biker jacket
Vans/trainers/converse
Band tee/white tee

Heres a few examples of outfits I love!!!

These really are essential to my daily life and of course you can accessorise in anyway that you like to either dress it up or down! I love shopping, looking at fashion pages and online stores but im always pulled back to my go to safe clothes. This is most definitely because I am a busy mum of 4, I have no time so its comfort first. I struggle with being imaginative when it comes to choosing outfits and I am definitely guilty of stalking fashionistas Instagrams to try to get inspiration.

These are a ladys on instagram that get it right everytime. They all have a laid back style yet always with an added sprinkle of glamour

@beth_bartram
@emilyshak
@oliviajade_attwood
@naomimillbanksmith
@elledarby_

 

A few of my go to stores

Missguided
inthestyle
Missy empire
Prettylittlething
H and M

 

🖤

Define honesty..

I’ve obviously just started this blog so for me to say “hey everyone” seems a bit silly as I really dont know who, if anyone, is reading this!!! So im going to introduce this post with a question….

HOW HONEST ARE YOU????

I feel like I am not very honest. Now this is not me saying im a liar because Im really not. This is more of a feeling. I know that sometimes if im asked a question I wont answer it in the exact way I would want to. Let me give you an example of what I dont mean…

Ive just dropped the kids to nursery after a VERY busy morning and the staff say
“good morning, how are you today”
My response…
“OH MY GOD thanks for asking it has been such a bad day so far. My youngest screamed the house down, my eldest tried to hit me and my neighbour blocked me in so I was trying to wake them for about an hour. I have the worst headache and I think my period is coming because ive got the most painful cramps EVER. I actually really feel like I could finish a whole bottle of wine off before 12!! But yes babes… how are you?!!”

That may be what im thinking but not what i would say because.. well theres a time and a place for real honesty and the nursery drop off is NOT it. But when someone close to me asks me if im ok and my head is about to explode with all the different emotions im feeling, I always just find myself saying im fine. Theres also the times that im asked questions and I dont give the full truth in my answer. Sometimes I feel like im filtering my response, almost like im only sharing a tiny bit of myself, when really im not giving a clear picture of my reality in that moment.

This thought has taken me in so many different directions today. I was thinking about different people and what they could really be feeling behind closed doors and what they portray to the outside world. The women with the perfect relationship that posts the most perfect pictures on social media may not be living the most “perfect” life. I know that theres so many story’s that have come out in the press lately regarding sexual abuse. Obviously all women are amazing but to me the thought of these influential people experiencing something so negitive and not feeling like they could share it is absolutely heart breaking. It also made me feel so guilty that I can fall apart over something so mundane yet some people are living with some really painful, soul destroying experiences and still dont allow it to ristrict their lives. I may be wrong but i think that we can all get so caught up in our own lives that we dont really take too much notice of other peoples. So if you see someone that when you ask them if they are ok and you know they are not do you push it? Or should you just accept that if they want to talk then they will?

Then theres those times where we get caught up in other peoples lives. That perfect women that I mentioned earlier, although im not talking about any one in particular, she is also the perfect mother. Instagram is full of these amazing girls who look flawless and seem to be doing all the right things. I definitely look at these instagramers and compare every inch of myself, my kids and my life. I know that there really is no such thing as perfect. I really do know that because lets face it parenting is anything but glamourous… how ever many times you change angles to make it look that way. Those people are people just like you and me and they experience REAL life experiences. Like i said earlier they post what they are comfortable with… in the same way that i will share what im comfortable with when im asked if im ok.

This post was just about me exploring a thought and seeing where it took me. I hope i didnt go off too much! If anyone has any comments please shareee!!

 

X

Making changes!!!!

The past few years have been more dramatic than a rollercoaster ride that has been stuck on the edge of the drop for about 10 minutes. (literally) Sometimes I really havent been confident that the ride would pick up again, instead fearing a sudden drop that would inevitably end in…. an unfixable, indefinable  disaster!!! I have struggled to follow any set path, picked myself apart on an almost daily basis which, as much as I would be ashamed to admit, has not made me the greatest parent. I feel like I don’t know what I am doing at times when it comes to my children and although they are happy I can definitely say I look into their negitive behaviours too much and feel like im a failure. I am too hard on my partner too and I moan at him far to much. He works 6 days a week and when he comes home he does a hell of alot here, even waking up at night with our children and letting me sleep which I hear is a rarity in men! I have become very aware that if there is a problem in my family it would be me. Somewhere inside i have some issues that go back to my early years that I have never really addressed properly, aswell as some learnt behaviours that I need to pick apart and learn better ways to manage. I also feel that I am quite an unhappy person. I compare myself to every mother I see and in competition to anyone I always make myself the loser. I do not love myself. So all these things (plus more I probably havent mentioned but no doubt will later) are reasons why I have set myself the goal of changing my life in 2018. I want to change all the things that I see as negitives and try to set goals for myself that will ultimately improve my life long term, aswell as my familys. I don’t know the exact path I wish to take but I am very confident that I will be able to make my dreams a reality!

Some of my goals for this year….
-starting a business  (I am working on this now and have been going back and forth for a while  because I want to make the right desisions so I actually build a longstanding reputable business and career for myself.

-confidence as a mother (I want to feel like I know exactly how to approach a situation rather than text my mum or google! Im obviously a mother and I look after my children but i just need to gain self confidence in my ability rather than beat myself up about certain behaviours)

-more family time!!!! (I spend alot of time with my children but I dont think we do ENOUGH all together as a family. Its hard to engage all of my children in 1 activity and that it something that I am try to improve. Doing family days out evern if dad os at work! Its important for me to build amazing memories for them as well as me!)

-individual plans for my children. ( one on one time with each of my babys! Even though they are close in age my children have different needs and need to be stimulated in different ways. My responsibility as a mother is to teach them all they need to know and give them the best start at life. I may be wrong but I dont feel like I am doing the best at this yet. As i always say parenting isnt easy so i will always be learning… I owe that to my kids!)

-HIM time. ( i need to give more time to my partner. My boy means so much to me but we really don’t actually do anything together! I need to start dedicating some time to him too because of course our relationship is important to the both of us, but always comes last to life and kids. With 4 children it really is hard to put time into our own relationship!

-MYSELF!!!! This is all about changing the quality of my familys life and it starts with me. I am a work in progress!!!!! I need to work on myself in so many ways… socially, mentality, emotionally. I will get to where I need to be.
Positive thoughts and staying focused will help me to achieve all of these goals!!!!!

 

So this is going to be the year that I change everything. ☺

X

Being mummy!!

Being mum??

So… im always reading different articles and story’s about parenting dos and don’ts aswell as people’s specific ways of doing things and other people’s completely opposite opinions. Is it just me or does this fill other people with life long fears, insecurities in your own abilities as well as judgements as a parent?
Well I am a mum to 4 children aged 4, 3, 1 and 6 months….. and i have no idea what im doing. Well i say no idea but my kids have great bed time routines and sleep perfectly and only the baby wakes up once and that’s just for milk. We have no dummy’s in our house and im just about to re start potty training my almost 2-year-old. Of course having 4 children means there are some parts of parenting that I am a pro at. But the most important parts i have no clue about. I am currently really struggling with discipline. I’m quite strict and im very particular but i have recently noticed that sometimes my children don’t listen to me at all, scream, shout and just recently my 3-year-old has began to hit me. I am so completely terrified that he will be some sort of violent aggressive child. I know that sounds so excessive but also why is he doing this and how do i get it under control. I love my kids more than life and for me it is so very important for them to have stability as aswell as happiness, freedom to express any emotion but also rules and boundaries. It’s very hard having 4 children so close together, i feel like it’s especially hard because the 3 boys are so crazy. My 1-year-old has started full on fighting with his brothers, something he learnt from them. I try to stop negative behaviours but  its hard to know what really needs to be nipped in the bud and what is just a phase that they need to ride out themselves.
I am so nervous when I take all 4 of my children out together on my own. I know that sounds so stupid but it really scares me at times. Today for instance we went to the park. It took about 25 mins to drive there then i couldn’t find a parking space… *que the hysterics* i tried so hard to explain to my son that i was just trying to find somewhere to park then we could go in and play. Well as soon as we got out the baby started to bawl and it started to POUR with rain!!! This was just down to bad luck/poor planing but the point is i have no idea how to calm a full-blown tantrum. I’m looking at parenting classes and I speak to my health visitor so often. I have always said that i will be learning forever when it comes to parenting!! Im really hoping that I can become a lot more confident as a mother and learn the best way to discipline, teach and also manage my responsibility in the best and most effective way for my bubas!!!